Monday, October 18, 2010

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose....

Today another piece of my puzzle was put together. Do you ever have those moments when all of a sudden you understand why things happen. Today was one of those for me. I love those words above from the song, Me and Bobby McGee.

I was a twin...however, my twin was stillborn and I didn't know until last year that I had never grieved that loss. You see, I was in the process of a divorce and the judge wanted us to get some therapy before she would grant the divorce. During the session, the therapist had us do a guided meditation. I can not to this day tell you what the meditation was about, but I know somehow he took us to the womb. He didn't know my history before that. We were new clients to him. But anyway in that meditation, he went on past the womb...but I never left that space, I heard him going forward, but I did not. I could not seem to go forward. I was stuck. When he brought us out of the meditation, he asked, my then husband and I, our experience. I said I could not get past the womb. And then he asked what happened there and all of a sudden the grief of 60 plus years came flooding out.....grief that I never had processed. I was amazed. Who would have known that would have come to the surface. If we are really willing to look deeply at our "case", we find out all sorts of interesting things we have experienced....and stuffed! It is kind of like being locked back in that space in time...locked in that grief of having someone I wanted to come forward in life with me, but was not going to...much the same as I felt about my husband, who had decided not to come forward in life with me. It is amazing to me how all things work together for good and how they all interlock. If he had never chosen to leave, and the judge told us to go to counseling, I would have never got in touch with all that painful grief that I was holding inside. What a gift came out of such a painful time.

Today, there was another trigger of that piece...someone triggered my "story" that it was all my fault. Now I have come far enough down this road to be able to recognize when I get triggered. Do I like it, no, but you know I signed up to have that person trigger that for me so I could heal....if I chose not to blame them for triggering me. So today the part that it was "my fault" that my brother did not come forward with me was just one card in the stack, that like a bunch of dominoes, fell down. How freeing it was to know it was not my fault about a lot of just was "what was" at that moment in time. That thought was hitched to a bunch of other circumstances about my thinking it was my fault....and those cards fell as well. What a gift to have been triggered today....and what a gift that same therapist we had gone to, had a cancellation. So...I am back on the freedom road again.

Whenever I don't feel myself, I like to live in the solution to the problem and take steps toward my freedom. There is no sense in mucking around in the muck and having a big pity party....because no one wants to show up, and partying is no fun by yourself!! No one wants to hear me whaaaa, whaaaa, whaaa. So I like living in the solution, as it makes me feel as though I have power...something that I was not feeling when I walked in the door to his office today. I do have power over some things in life about what I choose and today I chose life!

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